Inner Self
by WarpedMinded
Summary: D/C - Castiel wasn't sure when he lost his mind, or even why. But then again...what if it isn't even his mind he is lost in? - SPOILERS! to 'Swan Song' 05x22 - angst, brief gore, mental illness trapped in mind , M/M, slash, Dean/Cas.


**Title: **Inner Self  
><strong>Author: <strong>WarpedMinded / WarpedMindedYaoi  
><strong>Fandom: <strong>Supernatural (SPN)  
><strong>Pairing: <strong>Dean/Castiel, (implied(I think))Sam/Gabriel  
><strong>Rating: <strong>NC-17 (Mature)  
><strong>Length: <strong>5,395 words (11 pages)  
><strong>Warnings: <strong>anal, angst, brief gore, hand job, m/m sex, mental illness (trapped in your own mind), slash, and SPOILERS to 'Swan Song' 05x22  
><strong>Summary: <strong>Castiel wasn't sure when he lost his mind, or even why. But then again...what if it isn't even his mind he is lost in?**  
>Disclaimer:<strong> I do not own Supernatural, nor the characters. And I do not make money from this. *I'm not good enough* XD  
><strong>Author's Note: <strong>I had a great beta that helped me through this. And they were so nice, since this was my first time at having a beta. Thank you so much _**moonliteknight**_(on LJ), you did an amazing job!

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><p>They had finally managed to kill Lucifer by tricking him at the last possible second. Gabriel had created a second Sam, and that second Sam had said yes to the King of Hell. But when Lucifer claimed the body, he had ended up trapped in the fake shell of his vessel. The real Sam threw the rings onto the ground where Lucifer stood, so he that would fall instantly.<p>

The last thing the devil had seen before being banished was of the tall brunette standing at the edge, grinning triumphantly. "Have fun in your cage."

* * *

><p>Dean was grinning from ear to ear as he hugged his brother tightly. "We did it Sammy, we killed that bastard."<p>

All Sam could do was laugh and lift his brother up, spinning him around. His heart was pounding in his chest. They were still alive.

"Dean, I can't wait to tell Gabriel it worked." Sam looked around the forest clearing where they were at. And it took him a moment to figure out what was missing. "Hey, Dean. Where's Cas?"

The glee on his older brother's face turned into worry, and he too began scanning the room. "He was right over there when Lucifer was sucked in. Cas! _**Cas**_!"

There was a flash of bright light and when the spots cleared from the brother's eyes, they looked at the ground. What they saw was the dark haired angel lying in the grass.

"Get up Cas, I need to kick your ass for blinding me." Dean muttered as he hurried over to Castiel's side and shook his shoulder. When there was no reply, he started to get worried, "Cas? We did it, we can go home now."

When his guardian angel didn't reply, Dean's chest tightened. "Come on man, this is no time for jokes." He gave a weak laugh. Dean looked up at Sam who was staring at both of them in concern. "Call Gabriel, Sam. There's something wrong with Cas."

* * *

><p>'Well of course there is something wrong Dean. I can't speak or move. That generally implies something is wrong.' Castiel sighed as he studied the scene in a round mirror hanging in midair. The frame of the mirror was a pink pearl color and what looked like little pearl cherubs laying on clouds. Through it he saw Dean, Sam, oh and now Gabriel as well. They all stood over him, apparently trying to wake him up.<p>

He didn't bother to look at his surroundings, as it was only a white room. Cas gazed through the mirror longingly, hoping that he would be able to go back to that life soon; he was already missing Dean and the others. 'It shouldn't be too long before I am back to normal.' He nodded, sure of himself. He knew that in time the Winchester brothers and his archangel brother would figure out what was wrong. But then he got a sickening feeling that maybe they would just forget about him and let him suffer. A full body shiver went through him and he pushed that thought out of the way.

He turned around and cocked his head to the side curiously, squinting his eyes trying to see what that flickering shape was deep into the woods. And that was when he realized something odd. When he turned around he was magically in a forest. Cas frowned, "Wasn't I just in a white room?" He turned back, and saw the mirror was still there. It was smaller, but still floating behind him.

'Hello? I would like to go back now. I'm fine.' He declared loudly, but there was no answer. Cas knew that there would be no reply, but he thought it was worth a shot.

'Cas?'

The angel turned toward the voice and saw, to his surprise, the elder Winchester brother standing there, a wide smile on his face. 'I knew I would find you.' He said, running up to Castiel and pulling him into a tight hug, personal space be damned. 'I was so scared I lost you.'

'I feared the same Dean.' Cas was surprised. He didn't have a clue how Dean had gotten to him so quickly. He peeked out of the corner of his eye and saw in the mirror that Dean and Sam were carrying him into the Impala, and Gabriel stood there a pensive look on his face. Cas' stomach lurched. If that was Dean out there, then who was he being hugged by?

He jerked out of the embrace. Dean smirked back at him, his eyes completely black.

'Gotcha!' He snarled and opened his mouth, revealing razor sharp metal teeth. He lunged at Cas, who tried to pull away, but only managed to stumble back and hit the dirt, his head smacking the ground with a resounding _**thunk**_. Possessed-Dean pulled his head to the side, and bit viciously into the pale angel's throat, tearing it open.

Castiel felt the pain as he struggled against the body of the man he trusted the most. He knew deep in his heart that Dean would never do this, but his mind and eyes were obviously telling him something different.

Bright red blood splattered all over the ground, soaking it, coloring it red. The dark haired angel could only gasp and blink tiredly as possessed-Dean swallowed and gulped down his life blood from the slash in Castiel's neck

He mouthed, 'Help me.' His vocal cords were ripped to shreds and he didn't know who he trying to call, but he didn't care, he just wanted out of this mind fuck. He didn't know what was going on, but he prayed that someone would come save him.

It was when the blackness began to impair his vision that he saw a tiny child's arm come out of thin air. The hand grabbed his collar and pulled him through what seemed to be a bright white archway.

Castiel gasped as he landed on the ground in a sitting position. He reached up and felt his throat but there was no gaping wound. He looked down at his body and found no blood anywhere in sight either. _**I think I am ready to go back to reality...Or someplace safer than this world. **_He looked up and was faced with the small boy. He seemed about seven years old.

'Hello child.' He said warily. After what had happened with the last person he'd come in contact with, he was going to be careful from now on, because anyone could pretend to be kind then just to turn on him in the end. That was when he saw that they were no longer in the woods but rather in a brightly lit hallway.

The boy smiled happily and surprised him with a hug. 'Hi Cas! I'm so glad I got to you in time! That Dean was never good with company. He's always too hungry. But I swear, we feed him every day.' The boy pulled back from the hug, still smiling.

'Who are you?' Cas asked, but when he studied the boy's face, he realized he was meeting the child version of his best friend.

'It's me Cas. Dean.' Dean giggled and grabbed the angel's hand, pulling him up effortlessly. Despite little Dean was about as high as the angel's waist. 'We need to get you something to eat. Then we need to talk.'

The kid was instantly serious as he tugged the older man through the hall. It took a few seconds for Cas to realize the hallway was getting smaller. His body started to slouch so he could keep walking. 'Don't worry, you will fit.' Child-Dean turned to look at him, and touched his forehead.

Cas had closed his eyes on reflex. When he finally opened them, he looked down and saw that he was in a child version of his vessel. 'What...' he looked at child-Dean confused. The boy just smiled serenely and kept pulling him down the hallway.

It felt like an eternity went by before they reached their destination. Thankfully the hallway was wide enough for them to just fit through. There in front of them was a sky blue door, and as Castiel was reaching out to grasp the doorknob child-Dean stopped him with a firm slap on the hand.

'Don't ever touch something without asking for permission first.' He ordered.

Cas tilted his head to the side, not sure if Dean was serious or not, but he shrugged and looked at the door before asking, 'May I please enter?'

He looked at child-Dean. The brunette gave a small smile and nodded. He let out a slow breath and reached for the handle, twisting it, and pushing it open with a loud creak which startled both the boys. Dean looked at Cas and giggled, but the angel was still suspicious. 'Are you sure it is safe for us to go?'

'Do you trust me Castiel?' Child-Dean asked, staring at him, carefully watching his reactions, more like a psychiatrist than a hawk.

Cas looked seriously at Dean and gave a fierce nod, 'I have always trusted you Dean. I followed you to Hell to save you. You were something special.'

'Then just follow me Castiel.' Little Dean tugged sharply on his hand and Cas stepped through the doorway, the bright orange light rendering him unable to see where he was going. When the light didn't seem to be so bright he opened his eyes and gasped when he saw they were standing on the Eiffel Tower, the stars shining bright in the dark sky.

When Cas looked up to gaze upon the stars, he frowned. There were two moons in the sky slowly rotating around each other.

'It's amazing isn't it?' Dean breathed into his ear. Cas turned around to see normal Dean smiling at him. He looked down and saw that he was back to normal too.

Cas was shaking his head, the fear starting to show in his eyes. 'Please, help me get out of my mind.'

Dean pulled back from the hug with a sympathetic look in his eyes, 'Cas, we aren't in your mind.' He pointed over at a bunch of buildings and Cas realized they were all fast food restaurants, diners, and motels.

'I'm in Dean's mind...' Cas whispered brokenly.

* * *

><p>Gabriel was at a loss as to what could have happened to the younger angel. He sat down on a chair in the demon-proof fallout shelter studying Castiel, who lay in a cot in the middle of the shelter room.<p>

"Any reaction at all?" Sam asked as he walked in and leaned against Gabriel's side.

The archangel shook his head, resting his head against Sam's hip. "Nothin' so far." That's when an idea popped into his head. "Hang on, I think I have an idea. Get me enough holy water to fill a small tub, holy oil, and two white candles."

Sam didn't wait for an explanation. He hurried and got the items and came back down the stairs and handed them over to the blonde. "What's the plan?" He asked gruffly.

Gabe smiled and shook his head. "I can't tell you til it is all done. Speaking of it before it happens might compromise it. Doing this will at least give me an idea of what's going on."

He dumped the holy water into the small plastic tub and lit the candles. He set them on the ground, one on each side of Cas' head. Gabriel then lifted up Castiel's shirt, stepped into the tub of holy water, and poured the holy oil on his hands. He closed his eyes and murmured a little prayer as he laid one hand on the angel's forehead, and the other on the Cas' stomach. He took a deep breath and exhaled as he searched through Castiel's body for any sign of the angel.

Dean walked into the fallout shelter just as Gabriel pulled away with a gasping cough. Sam caught the archangel before he fell back and sat him on the chair. "What happened?" he demanded. "What did you see?"

Gabriel looked at Dean pityingly. "I didn't see anything." He sighed, wiping his hands off on a towel that Sam had brought in on a whim. "There is no sign of Cas anywhere in his vessel."

Dean's felt pain shooting through his chest, and he let out a quiet shaky breath. "It's alright Dean. We will just have to find where he is."

An idea instantly came to Dean's mind. "Check me." He shook his head, and looked around confused. "Why did I say that?"

With a look of determination, Gabriel motioned for Dean to lay on the ground. He placed the candles on each side of the hunter's head. He shifted the tub over and stood in it again, doing the same as before.

What he saw was amazing. Two souls entwined, almost as though they didn't want to separate. One soul was brighter than the other, and it was slowly cracking the darker of the souls, which Gabe believed was Dean's.

"Castiel." He murmured into Dean's subconscious.

* * *

><p>Castiel cocked his head when he heard a familiar voice calling his name. Cas used what little strength he had and reached out to touch the person calling to him. It only took a moment, but there was a slight caress back. The angel let out a sigh of relief, thankful that he was found. It would only be a matter of time before he was back in his vessel.<p>

'Cas...I don't want you to leave me.'

The dark haired angel realized that Dean was in pain, not physical, but emotional. He was terrified of the thought of losing Castiel.

'I'm not going anywhere Dean. I will be out of your mind, yes, but I will still be with you when I get back to my body.' Cas tried comforting the man.

Suddenly, Dean got a wicked smile on his face and gripped Cas tightly. He threw them both off the Eiffel Tower.

As they were falling, night started turning into day, and as the cement was coming closer, they seemed to slow down, their bodies almost gliding to the ground. When they were about seven feet from the ground, the walls started building up around them. A house was being built. When they were four feet from the carpet, a bed appeared under them, and they landed softly onto the comforter and pillows.

Dean laughed as he rolled them over so Cas was on bottom. 'I'm gonna have a piece of you.'

The brunette purred as he swooped down and caught the angel's lips in a slow and sensuous kiss. Their tongues and breaths mingled, hands exploring naked flesh.

At one point Cas wondered what happened to their clothing, but that thought quickly left when Dean nipped at his Adam's apple, making him groan deep in his chest. 'Dean...' He moaned softly, his eyes shutting tightly, 'We can't do this...'

'Yes we can.' Dean breathed back, nipping at Castiel's bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth and savoring the taste of Cas. He tasted like warm milk and honey.

When Cas was licked and bit his collarbone, he let out a cry, 'Yes we can,' which made Dean chuckle and lick at the angel's skin more.

Their erections were almost touching, and Cas tried to shift, wanting to feel the smooth, wet throbbing flesh against his own.

'Touch me...'

Dean smiled lazily as he swirled his tongue around a pink nipple. 'What's the magic word?' He whispered, his warm breath ghosting over the wet nipple, making it pebble more, and bringing gooseflesh to Cas' arms.

'...Please, touch me Dean.' He begged. Cas didn't beg often, but when it came to Dean he would beg all day for that man.

'As you wish.' A rough hand enveloped his length and gave it a slow teasing stroke. That stroke made his breath catch in his throat. He had never felt pleasure like this before.

He used his hand and reached down to grasp Dean's own length. 'Ah Cas...what you do to me.' Dean choked, his closing blissfully, hips lightly thrusting into the smooth fist that was holding him.

Cas had to open his eyes and watch as he pleased the older Winchester brother. He wanted to commit that look and reaction to memory, just in case he never got to feel this with the real Dean.

As they fell deeper into bliss, a white fog came into the house and surrounded them. Dean didn't see, his eyes closed, but Cas did. He could sense that the fog wasn't a problem so he just ignored it and fell deeper into the pleasure. Hands gripping, hips thrusting, mouths clashing, tongues pushing deeper, and bodies getting slick with sweat.

He felt a slight tingly burn in his lower back. Cas has never had this feeling before, but it felt like a beginning to the end. The feeling zinged up his back, through his body, his balls tightening. He could hear the hitch in Dean's breath, signaling he was about to cum which only spurred Castiel on more.

Right when he came, he was teleported away from Dean and thrown into a white padded room, unconscious.

Cas felt a presence somewhere near, and he peeked opened one eye and saw an orderly looking through the small window in at him, and then walking away.

When the angel was able to wake up a little more and notice his surroundings, he was beginning to worry. 'I hope Dean hasn't been having nightmares about being trapped in mental hospitals.'

He got up from the bed and walked to the door, trying to open it, but it was locked from the outside. He tried knocking on the window but no one came. He tried to fly out of there, but he felt empty somehow. '...I don't have my wings.' That was when the fear started to kick in. He shouldn't be fearing anything. He was an angel of the Lord, he shouldn't have such strong emotions. 'Maybe some of Dean's feelings are filling in the ones I don't have.'

When he realized that there was no way of escaping, Cas decided to go lay back down until someone came for him.

It was about two hours before a doctor finally came in. 'Castiel, how are you feeling today?' He smiled charmingly, and Cas thought the man looked familiar. Then he realized it was an older version of Dean.

'Dean?' Was all that he could ask, not sure if his eyes are betraying him.

'I am Dr. Winchester, but yes, you may call me Dean.' He smiled as he sat down on the bed, and patted the seat next to him. 'Do you know why you're here Castiel?'

Cas sighed and sat down. 'I'm trapped in your mind and I am trying to find a way out.' He looked up at the sound of a pen clicking to see that Dean had a little notepad in hand and was writing down what Castiel was saying. '...Was that not the right answer? Can you tell me why I am here?'

Dean smiled and patted Castiel's knee, 'You were found outside of one Bobby Singer's house. Does that name sound familiar?'

When Cas nodded, he continued, 'Well, you had drenched the house in what you said was 'holy water' to keep it protected, except it was actually gasoline which you lit it on fire. The house was burned down, with the following occupants. Still inside was a Gabriel and Sam Wesson, and a Bobby Singer.'

Cas shook his head, 'No, I would never do something like that. They were my family.'

The doctor gave a sad smile, 'I'm sorry Castiel, but that is the truth. You have been in here for the past three years. Just last night you were put in here because you attacked a nurse, trying to stab her with a silver nail file, saying that it was a 'Angel blade', and that Anna was finished.'

'No...stop lying. This isn't a real mental institution. I'm not a real patient!' Cas jumped up from the bed and threw himself at the window. He tried to struggle when two burly men grabbed him by the arms, and whimpered when a needle slid into his shoulder. 'Why are human tranquilizers working on me...' It was only moments before the relaxant went through his system. The orderlies laid him on his bed with little effort and closed the door after they left. Dean stayed only a moment longer, glancing back at Cas with a sad smile, and then leaving.

Cas didn't believe that he was in the hospital, but he was trapped in that horrendous place for two weeks. He was let out of the padded room and taken to the Observation room, which had a television, couch, and a few tables with checkers, deck of cards, or puzzles on them.

He was forced to be around the other patients, all of who looked like someone he'd met at one point or another with Dean and Sam Winchester.

Being stuck in the hospital was starting to take its toll on Castiel. They forced drugs into his mouth and made him swallow every single day. He had stopped talking to the doctors and orderlies since they just looked at him pityingly, and he had never even bothered speaking to the other patients.

It was just when he was starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, he really was a nutcase and deserved to be in a mental hospital, a grimy hand reached out of nowhere and pulled him through a purple fog right into a lake.

Cas gasped as he broke through the water. He searched around for the owner of the hand and saw a man in a loincloth peeking around the edge of a tree. His hair was down to his chin, and was covered in mud, his eyes looking at Castiel curiously.

'Hello.' Cas said, his throat raspy from disuse.

The man stepped out into the open and held out a hand for the angel to take.

Cas swam to the edge of the water and climbed out. When he grasped the man's hand, he leaned forward and kissed Castiel's cheek affectionately. Cas peered closer and realized that it was Dean, naked and dirty in front of him.

'Where are we?' He asked.

Dean stared at him and answered in a language Cas was sure he knew, but for some reason he could not understand. He shook his head, signaling he didn't understand, and Dean nodded, giving a bitter smile, but squeezed Cas' hand tighter as though to keep from losing him.

They walked silently through a large forest for almost half an hour, or at least that was what Cas thought, until they reached upon a village. Dean tugged Cas towards what appeared to be the middle of the village which held a large fire pit was. Cas saw that a pig was on a spit, being rolled over the fire.

A piece of meat was thrust in front of his face. Castiel looked up to see Dean offering it to him, a shy smile on his face. 'Thank you.' He took the meat, and bit into it. It wasn't very tasty and he really didn't eat as an angel. But so as not to upset this Dean, he ate it anyway.

Later on the village was out dancing around the fire, singing beautiful sounds, all in harmony. Dean pulled Cas into the dance ring, and had him join in.

Castiel was watching people move, since he had never danced before. He found it uplifting, and it made him smile without realizing it.

After the dancing and singing ended and people began to retire to their huts, Dean took Castiel back into the forest and led him to a huge cave. He pointed at the entrance and pushed Cas a bit towards it, giving the angel a hint.

Before the dark haired angel went in though, he turned and gave Dean a tight hug. 'Thank you.' Cas blinked when he realized that was the language that this Dean spoke. He didn't know how he finally remembered what the language was. But all that Dean did was smile brightly and bow his head.

When Cas stepping inside the cave, he saw painting on the walls. He stopped to study them closely. He could clearly see Dean, Sam, Gabriel, and himself in them, showing their lives.

The last painting was one of him and Dean having sex. There was a word written above it. 'Mate'. Cas frowned. 'Angels don't have mates.' He studied the mate painting more, and then started looking around at a few other paintings. That was when he noticed painting of a Demon-Dean colliding with the regular, hunter Dean.

'Angels and Demons...mating,' Castiel breathed, his eyes wide. 'I need to accept all sides of Dean to be with him.'

He turned towards the back of the cave. It was pitch black, dank, and smelly. He walked towards the back until he lost his footing and fell down a deep hole.

When he opened his eyes, he was back at the first forest he landed in. The one that Demon-Dean inhabited.

Castiel let out a deep breath and stood up. 'I-I have come to accept this part of you Dean.'

He saw black eyes peer around a tree and the demon smirked as he rushed towards the angel, his mouth wide, face covered in blood, ready to tear open the dark haired angel again. Cas steeled himself for what was about to happen. But when Demon-Dean got within a foot of Cas, it stopped and cocked its head to the side, smelling Cas deeply. 'Really accepting me...' It said softly before rubbing against Castiel, letting out a tiny purr of approval.

Cas shut his eyes as Demon-Dean kissed him on the lips, and when he opened them he saw the ceiling of Bobby Singer's fallout shelter. He licked his cracked lips and sighed.

* * *

><p>When Sam heard the sigh, he just figured it was Dean. It took him a moment to remember he was alone in the room, aside from Cas.<p>

"Cas! Everyone! Cas is awake!" He laughed as he grabbed some water, and held it to the angel's lips. "It's alright Cas, we got ya. You're back home now." He soothed.

Dean practically fell down the stairs in a haste to get to his friend. Gabriel was hot on his heels and Bobby lumbered down slowly after them.

The older Winchester let out a sigh of relief when he saw Cas sitting up and slowly blinking, as if he wasn't sure if it was real or not. "You're home. You're home Cas." And that was when Castiel shut his eyes and fell asleep, feeling safe enough to.

While Cas slept, Dean didn't leave his side. He stayed in the chair and ran his fingers through the angel's hair. Bobby had decided to go out and work on a few cars, while Sam and Gabriel went out for some groceries. They all understood that Dean wanted to be alone with Cas, both needed reassurance the other was really there.

Dean was about to nod off to sleep when he felt a hand touch his cheek. His eyes flew open. He smiled when he saw Cas sitting up and staring at Dean.

"I'm so glad you're back. Don't do that again, alright? Or I might just have to kick your ass, angel or not." He grinned, and Cas let out a quiet chuckle.

"I accept those terms."

* * *

><p>It was a couple weeks before Cas was back to his normal self. His soul had been tired, and needed the rest. But when he was back, he stuck to Dean's side like a puppy. Not that Dean minded all that much. Until finally one day Castiel asked him a question.<p>

"Dean, how do you feel about me sexually?"

Dean spewed out his orange juice all over the kitchen table. "Excuse me?"

Cas titled his head in the manner he did when he was curious. "Are you not attracted to me?"

Dean didn't know what to say. _**'Yeah, sure I am? I can't admit that so quick and easy. But at the same time, I can. I was scared Cas would never come back to me. I want him to know that I do like him, before I lose my chance. ' **_

"I...do feel something towards you. But I don't know how to explain it. You just, snuck under my skin, claiming me. Before I even knew it, I cared about you more than a friend." His face felt warm, and he knew that a red flush would be crawling down his neck.

Castiel gently touched his neck, a look of fondness in his eyes. "I feel like we can merge now, without your soul cracking. I have accepted the demon part of you." Dean's eyes widened at Cas knowing about the demon in him. "I would like to...mate with you. Soul mate, as you could say."

"Oh." Was all Dean could say.

* * *

><p>It was another week before Cas could coax Dean into bed when everyone else was out of the house. "I would never hurt you on purpose Dean."<p>

"I know that Cas. But come on. I sure as hell haven't felt this way towards a guy before. Ever."

"We will go slow. And I will be on the bottom." Cas finished with a whisper.

Dean's eyes widened and his thought process came to a screeching halt, "Guh..."

"I don't understand that phrase." Cas pointed out helpfully.

* * *

><p>Cas moaned and arched his back, thinking that this was way better than with the mind-Dean. His erection throbbed as it smacked against his stomach. "Dean." He whimpered.<p>

****SEX SCENE TAKEN OUT** Message me and I will give you the link to my LJ****

As Dean slowly came down from his high, he realized that for the first time in years he actually felt at peace with himself. He looked at Cas, and found the angel watching him, a small serene smile on his face.

Cas reached over and cupped Dean's cheek, leaning forward for a slow but tender kiss. "You make me feel so much Dean."

Dean felt pride filling him up and he pressed his forehead against the angel's, a smile on his face, "I am gonna be making you feel so much more." He promised with a wicked grin, and Cas couldn't contain his own chuckle, and the both of them started to roll around on the bed, trying to claim dominance. Later on, neither cared who won.

**The End**


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